My Heart
It shouldn't surprise me. But humans are very good at living in fear and self-denial. Myself included.
At work today, Shawn prompted a discussion about the nature of relationships. Of the romantic kind.
All sorts of analogies were used from 'the cat and mouse chase', 'the dance', 'power struggles'. But regardless of what you call it, at the end of the day we all play it. And the realisation of this fact, this afternoon, both shocked and humbled me.
At first I thought I was exempt from this behaviour, that I was beyond it. In truth, I wanted to believe I was beyond it. But the reality was, I knew I wasn't.
As I took a moment to look inward I realised the govening factor of the actions that have shamed me. Fear. Fear of intimacy. Fear of vulnerability. Fear of being misunderstood. Fear of unfaithfulness. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of hurting the other person. It was fear; of something I didn't understand, and didn't understand me, but knew had the capability to hurt me.
It was always easier to push, than invite. To stay behind my walls, rather than trust. To live in my secret garden - even in my two short-lived relationships, long ago.
I desired friendship, not commitment. I didn't mind the company of men; at a distance. People pushed, people persisted, but none of it took away the fear that had so defined my life - actions that had caused me to distrust; forming my hard outer shell.
It wasn't because I didn't want to let anyone in. It was because I didn't know how. But that is changing. And, in light of these changes, I want to take the opportunity to address all those people, known or unknown, that I have, directly or indirectly, hurt, disappointed, or confused. Whether you read this or not, I am deeply sorry.
The last few years, consciously and subconsciously, I have been trying to understand the defining factors of a godly relationship and my role, as the woman, within it. It's been a hard and challenging slog. Undeniably painful at parts. Lonely at others. But it's been worth it. I know it'll be worth it.
The possiblity, and desire of marriage is becoming more real day by day. And one day, when the season is right, I know fruits will start to bear. Fruits I can't wait to taste and see.
Till that day comes, I'm waiting.
At work today, Shawn prompted a discussion about the nature of relationships. Of the romantic kind.
All sorts of analogies were used from 'the cat and mouse chase', 'the dance', 'power struggles'
At first I thought I was exempt from this behaviour, that I was beyond it. In truth, I wanted to believe I was beyond it. But the reality was, I knew I wasn't.
As I took a moment to look inward I realised the govening factor of the actions that have shamed me. Fear. Fear of intimacy. Fear of vulnerability. Fear of being misunderstood. Fear of unfaithfulness. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of hurting the other person. It was fear; of something I didn't understand, and didn't understand me, but knew had the capability to hurt me.
It was always easier to push, than invite. To stay behind my walls, rather than trust. To live in my secret garden - even in my two short-lived relationships, long ago.
I desired friendship, not commitment. I didn't mind the company of men; at a distance. People pushed, people persisted, but none of it took away the fear that had so defined my life - actions that had caused me to distrust; forming my hard outer shell.
It wasn't because I didn't want to let anyone in. It was because I didn't know how. But that is changing. And, in light of these changes, I want to take the opportunity to address all those people, known or unknown, that I have, directly or indirectly, hurt, disappointed, or confused. Whether you read this or not, I am deeply sorry.
The last few years, consciously and subconsciously, I have been trying to understand the defining factors of a godly relationship and my role, as the woman, within it. It's been a hard and challenging slog. Undeniably painful at parts. Lonely at others. But it's been worth it. I know it'll be worth it.
The possiblity, and desire of marriage is becoming more real day by day. And one day, when the season is right, I know fruits will start to bear. Fruits I can't wait to taste and see.
Till that day comes, I'm waiting.
1 comment:
Alvina,
You are the light of the moon reflecting off the ocean: beautiful, gentle and brilliant.
In darkness you shine bright.
God bless you for the love you have in Him.
There is much to fear in life, but not love. If you have truly fallen in love before - and even though things didn't work out...wasn't it worth it?
It's worth it. For me it's worth it. Though I hurt and break-ups are heart-wrenching, being vunerable to someone who loves you is amazing.
The problem with mortal love is it's conditional and we are prone to fail. This is probably why opening your heart to our Father and being vulnerable to Him is glorious. You need not to fear His rejection; He will not forsake you or be unfaithful.
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